About this blog

"One of the greatest moments in anybody's developing experience is when he no longer tries to hide from himself, but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is." - Norman Vincent Peale

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

All Down In My Feelings

Pray for me. I'm really all down in my feelings about this break-up. Like, fa seriousness.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Open Letter To The One I Loved

My Definition of Love,
     In the course of two years plus, we met and created something that can that can be described with many words, but the phrase I will use is destined to fail, and not by your hand alone. For everything you are strong in, I was weak....and everything I was strong in, so were you. The reality of the situation is that I didn't come into this star-crossed union with an open heart and soul. I was jaded by my previous bouts to what I had convinced myself was love, but were just tufts of lust scattered along the path of my untraveled road to adulthood. You tried to strengthen and empower me and our relationship, but I still had the "Single Mentality, and did not focus on the beauty of your way because I had begun to start looking past you once more.

     I have painted you in such a negative light in the midst of all this bullshit and that is so fucking unfair. You never yelled at me....I am the yeller. Not one time have you ever truly put me down.....I put me down. Whenever there was a problem, you always wanted to talk about it openly....I have the communication issue. I am standoffish. Anytime I wanted to do something (and I told you about it), you supported me.....I am the non-supportive one. There are so many negative connotations I have allowed people to think of you, but the reality is ----> I painted the picture  you as me. Yes, you are flawed in some areas and we all are, but the burden you've carried along alone for the past year has to be so heavy it hurts to even glance at it.

     I punched you with low blows about you family problems, but you have overcome those on your own accord; mine still are unresolved, and you have offered advice on how to deal. Its not your fault I am dysfunction in my own way. You still tried though, time after time, to get me to face my flaws, fears, and doubts in efforts to overcome and grow - but I wouldn't. I acted like my way was perfectly fine. That was just one reason why we're ending I can define.

     Your friends believe the picture painted before them is the true depiction, but I was the silent artist behind the canvas at times. I caused most of the problems we were dealing with through my selfish choices, decisions, impulses, and desires. You only acted out to get the attention you originally deserved from the one you loved - me. I'm so sorry it had to come to what it did, in the way it did, for the white flag to finally be raised. You are not the man I have made you out to be fully and if there is some way I can show the world that, I will.

     I know that you and I need some time before there can be a friendship. I don't even know if that's something you desire - but just know that I will try to be there for you, especially when it truly counts. You are an amazing person and I hope you know I honestly love you, though I stopped telling you out of spite because of the guilt I felt for myself. You truly are a light of hope in the darkness of despair. I hope the next one's lucky enough to see that. Please don give it because of you. You deserve someone who is secure in who they are and what they desire out of life and I TRULY believe that will be granted to you.

     I want you to know you are amazing. In a lot of ways, I wish I could be more like you....

     I love you and I wish you the best on the battlefield of love,