All Down In My Feelings

Pray for me. I'm really all down in my feelings about this break-up. Like, fa seriousness.

Open Letter To The One I Loved

My Definition of Love,
     In the course of two years plus, we met and created something that can that can be described with many words, but the phrase I will use is destined to fail, and not by your hand alone. For everything you are strong in, I was weak....and everything I was strong in, so were you. The reality of the situation is that I didn't come into this star-crossed union with an open heart and soul. I was jaded by my previous bouts to what I had convinced myself was love, but were just tufts of lust scattered along the path of my untraveled road to adulthood. You tried to strengthen and empower me and our relationship, but I still had the "Single Mentality, and did not focus on the beauty of your way because I had begun to start looking past you once more.

     I have painted you in such a negative light in the midst of all this bullshit and that is so fucking unfair. You never yelled at me....I am the yeller. Not one time have you ever truly put me down.....I put me down. Whenever there was a problem, you always wanted to talk about it openly....I have the communication issue. I am standoffish. Anytime I wanted to do something (and I told you about it), you supported me.....I am the non-supportive one. There are so many negative connotations I have allowed people to think of you, but the reality is ----> I painted the picture  you as me. Yes, you are flawed in some areas and we all are, but the burden you've carried along alone for the past year has to be so heavy it hurts to even glance at it.

     I punched you with low blows about you family problems, but you have overcome those on your own accord; mine still are unresolved, and you have offered advice on how to deal. Its not your fault I am dysfunction in my own way. You still tried though, time after time, to get me to face my flaws, fears, and doubts in efforts to overcome and grow - but I wouldn't. I acted like my way was perfectly fine. That was just one reason why we're ending I can define.

     Your friends believe the picture painted before them is the true depiction, but I was the silent artist behind the canvas at times. I caused most of the problems we were dealing with through my selfish choices, decisions, impulses, and desires. You only acted out to get the attention you originally deserved from the one you loved - me. I'm so sorry it had to come to what it did, in the way it did, for the white flag to finally be raised. You are not the man I have made you out to be fully and if there is some way I can show the world that, I will.

     I know that you and I need some time before there can be a friendship. I don't even know if that's something you desire - but just know that I will try to be there for you, especially when it truly counts. You are an amazing person and I hope you know I honestly love you, though I stopped telling you out of spite because of the guilt I felt for myself. You truly are a light of hope in the darkness of despair. I hope the next one's lucky enough to see that. Please don give it because of you. You deserve someone who is secure in who they are and what they desire out of life and I TRULY believe that will be granted to you.

     I want you to know you are amazing. In a lot of ways, I wish I could be more like you....

     I love you and I wish you the best on the battlefield of love,

                                                                                                  Always,
                                                                                                   "T"

Sneaky Gays

An epidemic that's running rampant throughout the malls, clubs, schools, and barbershops of our fair country:

These flaws I've got, they're all part of who I am....Take me or not, but I finally understand....





I know that I'm not perfect, but who are you to be putting pressure on me....

Five flaws of mine that I'm cool with....for the most part.

Keep in mind that this is not a comprehensive list. If it's not on the list, that does NOT mean that I think I am perfect in that regard. So no need for some of my more charming anonymous commenters to chime in with some other perceived flaws of mine that aren't on the list. If they aren't there, maybe that means that it's a flaw that I'm aware of but am not OK with. Or it just didn't make the cut. Just a thought.

1. I procrastinate. A lot. But I seem to have a very sharp ability to calculate exactly how much time it will really take me to do something, and do it properly, and I manage not to procrastinate beyond that point, so everything still ends up getting done. But this is a dangerous flaw because when I make these calculations, I allow no room for error, so if something unexpected comes up, I would be screwed. So far this hasn't really happened (or if it does, the only thing I lose is some sleep), but theoretically, it could. 
2. I don't eat enough vegetables. And I don't eat all-natural, or grain-free, or any of those other things. But I eat pretty well, and I'm losing weight steadily, and I eat some vegetables, and I take my vitamins. So I'm OK with this. Could I get better? Yes. Is it a top priority for me right now? No. Sorry.
3. I'm lazy. This probably ties in to the procrastination thing. I don't like to get up to get a drink when I'm comfortable on the couch. I often don't feel like cooking dinner. I put off things that I don't feel like doing. But, I'm not lazy to the point of letting things go completely. The house is relatively clean, I eventually do get off my ass and make dinner... it'll all get done. But yeah, T suffers from this because he ends up bringing me a lot of glasses of water/juice/drinks/chips/salsa/ice cream. But I'm OK with that because I will also get out of bed in the middle of the night and bring him a glass of water if he wants one. So it all evens out.
4. I am defensive. My immediate reaction to criticism is to assume that the person criticizing me is wrong, or doesn't understand the full picture. The reason I'm OK with this flaw is that if the criticism is legitimate, I usually come around to it eventually. After that initial snappy reaction, I will think about what's been said and decide if it holds merit or not. That's my saving grace in this situation for sure.
5. I'm too laid back about some things. Sometimes this is a great thing but sometimes it gets me into trouble. My default assumption is that everything is fine. The problem is that I'm almost always right so in those times when everything isn't fine, I often don't find out right away. I assume that every cold and other sickness is fine and will go away on its own. I assume that every little problem is no big deal...I still think it's better to sometimes underestimate an issue than to constantly freak out about every little thing, however.

Moments Missed In My Absence

Trip To San Francisco, CA

At a party, being the Honorary Cook

From training in Cali

New Year's Eve 2010 in Atlanta

A Night Off...Try A Year

We're back!

Well, I'm back....me....T.

I know, I know, I know - the last time I posted was literally last summer, and I regret my super denial of the blog, but blogging takes discipline; a discipline I had to develop with time. So I think I can do consistently now, having need of a space where I can air my dirty laundry.

So within the year I will simply list the occurrences that have changed me for better and for worse:

1. Mom and Sister have their OWN PLACE - like, its HERS! I could not be happier! --- until I went to my storage unit one day and saw they used my two bedrooms to replace their own. So now all I have in storage is a couch, clothes, and a microwave. DO YOU SEE HOW SEE DO ME?
2. I've managed to acknowledge Jhontaivius' existence within me and I have acted on his desires without allowing him to fully take over, thus keeping me out of trouble. Except for when he wanted to go to this bathhouse....couldn't fight 'em that time....
3. I have abstained from fuckery for quite a few months, since the diagnosis of a good friend jolted me into a reality I've never know. People, please get tested regularly!
4. I'm in a state we have come to know as love -- remember ** The Definition ** - and after not taking each other seriously for a year, I'm relocating to see what we could be. But we're still not dating exclusively. Are we? I mean, we haven't said it.
5. I'm on Twitter now: follow me! And if you're not on Twitter, what the f**k are you doing in your spare time?

So to anyone reading and everyone who's stumbled upon this blog, prepare for the laughs to return....it's on.